Pretending Ramble

 It has been addressed forever that what we see on the internet is often not real. Photos of beautiful women are filtered and edited. Something I have noticed is that my peers are becoming just like the Instagram models. They carefully calculate every post they make and try to fit within a theme. I like themes, but I don’t think I live life within a theme. It feels as if they are not a regular person, but instead a product. Additionally, when I see photos of some people I know in real life on Instagram, they look unrecognizable, like a whole other face or person and it disturbs me. Many people are living life for the camera, for example I have noticed someone that never goes without makeup, she wears it to the gym, she wears it to the pool. On camera it looks perfect, but in person all the contour and concealer is aging her in real life. Make up can be fun, it doesn’t look like something who is doing it for fun or self expression. It looks like hiding and I don’t know what she’s hiding, she’s not what I would consider ugly and she seems like someone with clear skin. I feel bad for her, that she cannot be comfortable without the makeup and the heavy filters. When we look back at photos from the past I hope not all will be so altered, because then we would not looking back at reality and instead looking back at what we pretended to be. 

Lifestyle Dream

Here I am about to spill the mess of what is in mind of what I want for my future once I have graduated and have worked a couple years in the field of computer engineering. 

Sometimes I think in the future I will have to be very thrifty and save my money to feed myself and buy toilet paper, but I also like to dream that I will be able to have everything I want. Not extravagantly, but what I think of as minimal while still my idea of the perfect home for someone in their late 20s. I think I would like an apartment or condo not too far from the beach that is maybe a one bedroom with a big closet. (I just wrote that and realized I do crafts and probably need a craft room so lets make it a two bedroom so I can contain my crafts somewhere)I am just one person I do not think I will need much space. I will decorate it with nice clean looking furniture hopefully I bought secondhand and painted. The walls adorn artwork done by either myself or prints from people I adore online. I do not know if the style would be bohemian or vintage, but I would want to feel relaxed walking in it even if my crazy cross-stitch is everywhere. For now that is all I could think of. Having a cute curly haired Persian cat would be amazing, but I do not think I should be taking care of animals yet. Also I have no idea where I would find a cat that does not shed, like "really, Alexa you really are dreaming". I really want to use the money I save to not buy extravagant things and instead use it to travel at a decently young age. As for creating a family I have no clue, I really want to live sort of selfishly for a while until baby fever comes and bites me hard so we will see. I do not want to go into if I will have a long-term boyfriend of husband during because things like that I do not really want to guess that future and put it here. I rather just see what happens. But, yeah I am going to use my dumb blog to make a wish and later in life maybe I will look to this post and see if I worked to make that wish come true. It sounds exciting, it sounds simple yet perfect. I think the simplicity makes it attainable as well.  

Shopping Addict?

 

    After maybe a  month into working my new job at my school's bookstore something about my room has changed. I have a lot of boxes and bags in the corner of my room where the trashcan is. About a foot and a half of boxes, bags, and empty packages have been growing into mountains consistently. And the problem is not my trash, but my online shopping. Getting this new job and not having bills to pay or school books to buy meant that I had a chance to buy things I have always wanted and a lot of it. Apps like Depop, Poshmark,  Mercari and the fact that I always look for a coupon keep me from spending huge amounts, but I am still spending money. Finding gorgeous $10 gently used pieces is something I crave. I am getting not only a deal, but something beautiful. Lately I have been deleting and re-downloading these apps. Part of my excuse is some orders were never shipped and I need to get my money back if I don't get my item. So three more days and hopefully I get two refunds from Depop. Though these issues only made me keep the app and continue to think of things I want and then buy them and waiting for them to come in the mail and then the circle continues of me waiting and shopping while I wait. Yesterday I bought two things and the day before I bought my family Christmas presents as well as an 18 inch pink tree for myself and today I bought from target ornaments to put on the tree. This is kinda nuts or maybe it is just me doing what people do during the holidays. One thing is for sure I am stopping myself from buying clothing. Aside from shoes, because honestly until now I have not bought myself shoes and I just have a collection of boots, which I love. So clothing besides intimates, shoes and really good leggings are my only exceptions. I think I have all my holiday shopping done so now I need to focus on crafts for the rest of my gifts. I want today to be my last day of online shopping with a Black Friday hallpass because hello? It is BLACK FRIDAY. Following that I want it all to end. I need to focus on other things like school, crafting, reading and maybe posting on this blog more often.

update: I bought so much since this message I need to cut off my PayPal or something

Petty Problems: Crap, You Are Still Here

      This is my freshman year of college and it's right before the probable craziness of finals. I go to a state college and honestly it was embarrassing to tell my IB peers I would not be going to a big university out of state or everyone's dream school, University of Florida. The good news is I am a valid IB student because I did get an IB Diploma and no one can take that away. Anyway, going to this small local school means that I am actually surrounded by people I once knew. People I assumed I would never see again, but oh boy I was wrong. And I really thought I was away from them forever. Elementary school, middle school and high school. Ugh! Gross. The good thing is I am not recognized most of the time or at least no one cares to interact. Which is good, I like it that way.

     I work in my school's bookstore so I get to see a large amount of the student body. The worst interaction was seeing my middle school bully again. I forget the bullying I faced in middle school because honestly it was easy to get over. I did not suffer in middle school. Most of it I enjoyed. I was very quiet and reserved when he came in. I cannot be rude, my job is to be hospitable and help customers and students with whatever they need. So I checked him out very quietly and did not make eye contact. He sounded like he lost a lot of brain cells since middle school. And I have not seen him much since. The good thing is I am actually ahead of most of the people from my past so I do not have class with these people. Luckily, it is only two years or so and I am saving a lot of money. Plus for the most part I am just independently getting my work done and I'm making money right now writing this in the bookstore. It's pretty chill.
-Alexa Z

Petty Problems:Breaking Up

I think at a young age I find myself thinking I will never find someone like what I had before. I become wrapped in a person that grew to know and understand me over years. The thought that I have to start all over can be scary. The other person accepted me and grew with me. But, when they are gone it is tough to come to the understanding that I will not find someone just like them again. Of course I have learned what I want out of a person and what I don’t want, but the mystery of who’s next is scary. With that in mind, I find that I am lucky to continue to find someone who follows shortly after the previous and every time I find someone better. So, I think my fear is a tad irrational because I am aware others will come and I will grow to like them as I did the previous person.
-Alexa Z

Losing My Wallet

       Tonight I feel like I lost my whole life. And now I have the just begun the process of rebuilding my wallet. I had just renewed my permit to the house I'm moved to this past spring and I just started a new account with a new bank. All of it was taken away and probably tossed somewhere because I cancelled my cards. Some of which I will have to wait for the weekdays to get new cards for. I feel pretty low. I'm starting to become and adult and something like this woke me up quick. The good thing is that these days I don't really carry cash anymore. I used to carry about $100 or so in my wallet. So the only money lost is the small amount of change I had in there and I guess I'm losing money trying to get everything back. So until maybe the end of this week or the next two weeks I am going to have an empty wallet or a very light wallet. Wish me luck on starting over I need it badly.
-Alexa Z

Adult, but Not Really

      For college I chose to stay home and do my two years at community college before I transfer and pursue my major at another school. Staying home is both really good and kinda not so good. You would think that now that you are 18 and legally an adult you are free to go and see anyone and not have to get your parents approval. Unfortunately that’s not the case for me. I am still under my parent’s house so I have to abide by their rules. Which is not a huge issue until I want to go out and see people. I still need some type of supervision and I hate it. I think it’s natural for me at this age to want to get away and be alone, but it’s just not happening now. It sucks. I also do not have a driver’s license so that makes me even more tied to my family. I hate myself for waiting so long. I’m currently away in Ohio, but when I get home my mission is to get my license. I have to pay insurance, but I really need this freedom.
-Alexa Z