Shopping Addict?

 

    After maybe a  month into working my new job at my school's bookstore something about my room has changed. I have a lot of boxes and bags in the corner of my room where the trashcan is. About a foot and a half of boxes, bags, and empty packages have been growing into mountains consistently. And the problem is not my trash, but my online shopping. Getting this new job and not having bills to pay or school books to buy meant that I had a chance to buy things I have always wanted and a lot of it. Apps like Depop, Poshmark,  Mercari and the fact that I always look for a coupon keep me from spending huge amounts, but I am still spending money. Finding gorgeous $10 gently used pieces is something I crave. I am getting not only a deal, but something beautiful. Lately I have been deleting and re-downloading these apps. Part of my excuse is some orders were never shipped and I need to get my money back if I don't get my item. So three more days and hopefully I get two refunds from Depop. Though these issues only made me keep the app and continue to think of things I want and then buy them and waiting for them to come in the mail and then the circle continues of me waiting and shopping while I wait. Yesterday I bought two things and the day before I bought my family Christmas presents as well as an 18 inch pink tree for myself and today I bought from target ornaments to put on the tree. This is kinda nuts or maybe it is just me doing what people do during the holidays. One thing is for sure I am stopping myself from buying clothing. Aside from shoes, because honestly until now I have not bought myself shoes and I just have a collection of boots, which I love. So clothing besides intimates, shoes and really good leggings are my only exceptions. I think I have all my holiday shopping done so now I need to focus on crafts for the rest of my gifts. I want today to be my last day of online shopping with a Black Friday hallpass because hello? It is BLACK FRIDAY. Following that I want it all to end. I need to focus on other things like school, crafting, reading and maybe posting on this blog more often.

update: I bought so much since this message I need to cut off my PayPal or something

Petty Problems: Crap, You Are Still Here

      This is my freshman year of college and it's right before the probable craziness of finals. I go to a state college and honestly it was embarrassing to tell my IB peers I would not be going to a big university out of state or everyone's dream school, University of Florida. The good news is I am a valid IB student because I did get an IB Diploma and no one can take that away. Anyway, going to this small local school means that I am actually surrounded by people I once knew. People I assumed I would never see again, but oh boy I was wrong. And I really thought I was away from them forever. Elementary school, middle school and high school. Ugh! Gross. The good thing is I am not recognized most of the time or at least no one cares to interact. Which is good, I like it that way.

     I work in my school's bookstore so I get to see a large amount of the student body. The worst interaction was seeing my middle school bully again. I forget the bullying I faced in middle school because honestly it was easy to get over. I did not suffer in middle school. Most of it I enjoyed. I was very quiet and reserved when he came in. I cannot be rude, my job is to be hospitable and help customers and students with whatever they need. So I checked him out very quietly and did not make eye contact. He sounded like he lost a lot of brain cells since middle school. And I have not seen him much since. The good thing is I am actually ahead of most of the people from my past so I do not have class with these people. Luckily, it is only two years or so and I am saving a lot of money. Plus for the most part I am just independently getting my work done and I'm making money right now writing this in the bookstore. It's pretty chill.
-Alexa Z

Petty Problems:Breaking Up

I think at a young age I find myself thinking I will never find someone like what I had before. I become wrapped in a person that grew to know and understand me over years. The thought that I have to start all over can be scary. The other person accepted me and grew with me. But, when they are gone it is tough to come to the understanding that I will not find someone just like them again. Of course I have learned what I want out of a person and what I don’t want, but the mystery of who’s next is scary. With that in mind, I find that I am lucky to continue to find someone who follows shortly after the previous and every time I find someone better. So, I think my fear is a tad irrational because I am aware others will come and I will grow to like them as I did the previous person.
-Alexa Z

Losing My Wallet

       Tonight I feel like I lost my whole life. And now I have the just begun the process of rebuilding my wallet. I had just renewed my permit to the house I'm moved to this past spring and I just started a new account with a new bank. All of it was taken away and probably tossed somewhere because I cancelled my cards. Some of which I will have to wait for the weekdays to get new cards for. I feel pretty low. I'm starting to become and adult and something like this woke me up quick. The good thing is that these days I don't really carry cash anymore. I used to carry about $100 or so in my wallet. So the only money lost is the small amount of change I had in there and I guess I'm losing money trying to get everything back. So until maybe the end of this week or the next two weeks I am going to have an empty wallet or a very light wallet. Wish me luck on starting over I need it badly.
-Alexa Z

Adult, but Not Really

      For college I chose to stay home and do my two years at community college before I transfer and pursue my major at another school. Staying home is both really good and kinda not so good. You would think that now that you are 18 and legally an adult you are free to go and see anyone and not have to get your parents approval. Unfortunately that’s not the case for me. I am still under my parent’s house so I have to abide by their rules. Which is not a huge issue until I want to go out and see people. I still need some type of supervision and I hate it. I think it’s natural for me at this age to want to get away and be alone, but it’s just not happening now. It sucks. I also do not have a driver’s license so that makes me even more tied to my family. I hate myself for waiting so long. I’m currently away in Ohio, but when I get home my mission is to get my license. I have to pay insurance, but I really need this freedom.
-Alexa Z

Nudity?

For as long as I can remember I have been a very shy person. I do not like having a lot of attention set on me. Though now that I am 18 I am accepting myself and my body. My family calls themselves shameless in that they are not afraid to let you see them naked. They never made nudity a shameful concept in my house. We did not enter this world clothed and God did not give us clothes to hide ourselves for fear of shame. Since I have a small chest something I can get away with easily is going braless and that was my first step at feeling comfortable with myself. Not many of us see it this way, but bras are purely for fashion. We do not have laws that state all women must wear bras. A personal goal of mine has been that I want to be comfortable in my own skin. If someone I know sees me naked I do not want feel afraid and like I need to hide away in a hole. I want feel like this is natural and it's okay. A youtuber by the name Adina Rivers has inspired me to feel liberated in my own skin. Her channel and Instagram gives off a positive energy and I can not help, but smile when I listen to her. I am a little awkward so getting fully comfortable is tough. 

I think my biggest issue is the sexualization of nudity. Some people equate nudity to sex, but I do not think it has to be that way at all times. The media and sleazy men do not help when sexting and sending nudes of each other is such a concept right now. Photos meant to express sexuality and how a person feels about someone else is turned into a way to blackmail and embarrass someone when a relationship turns sour. It is not respectful to shame someone by sending out their nudes meant for the eyes of a partner. This the reason why I am not a fan of sending nudes to people. Shame often remains.

In my journey of feeling comfortable in my own skin there is something I want to try. Modeling for a figure drawing class. Anyone can be a model for art and I feel that in the art world nudity is seen as normal. Things are very professional and it's not exploitive. An artist commented on why nudes are such an interesting thing to draw in the art world and an artist answered with this. "I often ask myself the same question. I think because there is nothing more sensitive, powerful, and honest than the nude human figure" When we are naked we cannot hide or pretend like we are something that we are not. We are our honest selves and there is something to be learned from that. We should be more transparent and not hide what we feel if it's our true selves. People say that they rarely can be themselves and why not? What are we afraid of? Is it manners? I think we can be ourselves whilst being polite. 

Minimalism is the Way to Go

    It's Black Friday and I attempted to clean out my closet and drawers today. It did not work too well. I love fashion and I love having something for every occasion, but I have looked at my collection and realized it's too much.

   I have more than I need really, but I can't stand to get rid of any of it. The worst collection I have are my t-shirts. So many t-shirts from school, camps, and volunteer activities I have done. Those are so difficult to get rid of. So I just packed half of them away.
 
   A lot of my friends I love vintage anything. I have collected so much stuff that I cannot collect or shop for that stuff anymore. I would have to get a house to hold anymore things. None of my walls are bare. There is always something to look at.

   Sometimes I wish I had a more minimalist style, if I did I would not have spend so much time cleaning and organizing my messy messy room. It's actually disgusting. I wish everything could be plain and relaxing sometimes, not have a ton of detail or ornateness to it. I have never been one to leave a project plain, I always have to pretty it up somehow.
 
   Those minimalists out there are lucky they don't have to live in my eclectic world.
                               

  Alexa Z