Losing My Wallet

       Tonight I feel like I lost my whole life. And now I have the just begun the process of rebuilding my wallet. I had just renewed my permit to the house I'm moved to this past spring and I just started a new account with a new bank. All of it was taken away and probably tossed somewhere because I cancelled my cards. Some of which I will have to wait for the weekdays to get new cards for. I feel pretty low. I'm starting to become and adult and something like this woke me up quick. The good thing is that these days I don't really carry cash anymore. I used to carry about $100 or so in my wallet. So the only money lost is the small amount of change I had in there and I guess I'm losing money trying to get everything back. So until maybe the end of this week or the next two weeks I am going to have an empty wallet or a very light wallet. Wish me luck on starting over I need it badly.
-Alexa Z

Adult, but Not Really

      For college I chose to stay home and do my two years at community college before I transfer and pursue my major at another school. Staying home is both really good and kinda not so good. You would think that now that you are 18 and legally an adult you are free to go and see anyone and not have to get your parents approval. Unfortunately that’s not the case for me. I am still under my parent’s house so I have to abide by their rules. Which is not a huge issue until I want to go out and see people. I still need some type of supervision and I hate it. I think it’s natural for me at this age to want to get away and be alone, but it’s just not happening now. It sucks. I also do not have a driver’s license so that makes me even more tied to my family. I hate myself for waiting so long. I’m currently away in Ohio, but when I get home my mission is to get my license. I have to pay insurance, but I really need this freedom.
-Alexa Z

Nudity?

For as long as I can remember I have been a very shy person. I do not like having a lot of attention set on me. Though now that I am 18 I am accepting myself and my body. My family calls themselves shameless in that they are not afraid to let you see them naked. They never made nudity a shameful concept in my house. We did not enter this world clothed and God did not give us clothes to hide ourselves for fear of shame. Since I have a small chest something I can get away with easily is going braless and that was my first step at feeling comfortable with myself. Not many of us see it this way, but bras are purely for fashion. We do not have laws that state all women must wear bras. A personal goal of mine has been that I want to be comfortable in my own skin. If someone I know sees me naked I do not want feel afraid and like I need to hide away in a hole. I want feel like this is natural and it's okay. A youtuber by the name Adina Rivers has inspired me to feel liberated in my own skin. Her channel and Instagram gives off a positive energy and I can not help, but smile when I listen to her. I am a little awkward so getting fully comfortable is tough. 

I think my biggest issue is the sexualization of nudity. Some people equate nudity to sex, but I do not think it has to be that way at all times. The media and sleazy men do not help when sexting and sending nudes of each other is such a concept right now. Photos meant to express sexuality and how a person feels about someone else is turned into a way to blackmail and embarrass someone when a relationship turns sour. It is not respectful to shame someone by sending out their nudes meant for the eyes of a partner. This the reason why I am not a fan of sending nudes to people. Shame often remains.

In my journey of feeling comfortable in my own skin there is something I want to try. Modeling for a figure drawing class. Anyone can be a model for art and I feel that in the art world nudity is seen as normal. Things are very professional and it's not exploitive. An artist commented on why nudes are such an interesting thing to draw in the art world and an artist answered with this. "I often ask myself the same question. I think because there is nothing more sensitive, powerful, and honest than the nude human figure" When we are naked we cannot hide or pretend like we are something that we are not. We are our honest selves and there is something to be learned from that. We should be more transparent and not hide what we feel if it's our true selves. People say that they rarely can be themselves and why not? What are we afraid of? Is it manners? I think we can be ourselves whilst being polite. 

Minimalism is the Way to Go

    It's Black Friday and I attempted to clean out my closet and drawers today. It did not work too well. I love fashion and I love having something for every occasion, but I have looked at my collection and realized it's too much.

   I have more than I need really, but I can't stand to get rid of any of it. The worst collection I have are my t-shirts. So many t-shirts from school, camps, and volunteer activities I have done. Those are so difficult to get rid of. So I just packed half of them away.
 
   A lot of my friends I love vintage anything. I have collected so much stuff that I cannot collect or shop for that stuff anymore. I would have to get a house to hold anymore things. None of my walls are bare. There is always something to look at.

   Sometimes I wish I had a more minimalist style, if I did I would not have spend so much time cleaning and organizing my messy messy room. It's actually disgusting. I wish everything could be plain and relaxing sometimes, not have a ton of detail or ornateness to it. I have never been one to leave a project plain, I always have to pretty it up somehow.
 
   Those minimalists out there are lucky they don't have to live in my eclectic world.
                               

  Alexa Z 

I am Behind

I have always been one of the oldest in my class, but I swear it seems like I am the youngest sometimes

Examples include:

Learned to tie my shoes at age 10

I sucked my thumb until age 7

Slept with a night light every night until maybe middle school

Still have not learned to ride a bike (too scared), but I cheat with a three wheeled bike

Still refuse to teach myself how to properly hold a pencil

Cannot Snap my fingers

Cannot whistle

Spent two years learning recorder, but only managed to get Hot Cross Buns

Cannot cartwheel

Cannot do a push up

Never have had coffee (this one I do not care for, but I feel like I know a lot people who need it to survive)

Have never dissected anything for science class ( if I don't pass out this one will change soon)

Started to learn how to drive at age 17 3 months ago (still learning)

Still waiting on that first kiss (I cannot believe this one. It annoys me more than you know)

Have yet to see the most famous and beloved movies, such as Titanic, The Matrix series, Sound of Music, and the list goes on for a while.

Never been on a College campus tour

Lived in Florida almost all my life, but have never step foot inside Disney's EPCOT


You can see there is a lot I have not done or have taken a lot of time to figure out, but I still feel like even though I am behind I am also ahead in certain skills and understandings(cross-stitch and sewing). For a teenager I think I have lived an interesting life so far even without these things.




                                                                                                                                                    -Alexa Z

Do not Take People for Granted

In the past few years I have wished in many instances that I could press the rewind button. I wish I could fix the mistakes I made in the past.  Not have to go through the pain my mistake caused to myself and those who are unfortunate enough to know my careless side. A side that thinks people will love and care for me no matter how much I hurt them. I now have learned from my mistakes, but I feel I learned too late. It still stings to learn. So all I can do is move on and hope that I have peoples forgiveness. Hope that their view of me is that I am only a human and humans make mistakes. That what I did was a mistake.

  What have I really learned? Be friendly to everyone from start to finish, be honest when someone asks of your emotions, and evaluate your situations( is this really what I want? should I turn down something better even if my current something is flawed, but I think it's what I need?)

When I meet someone new and I experience that first year with them I think things will never change. They will always stay in the same mindset with the same goals. That is false. People change their minds, emotions, and goals everyday.

This writing sounds broad and confusing, but what I am trying to say is value your friends everyday and keep up with how you feel about each other, because maybe one they will find that you were never worth it and drop you just when you finally realized where you went wrong in the relationship. They do not care anymore, they moved on already, you hurt them, and they got away.

Sometimes I care a lot and other times I could care less when I should care more.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot take what I dish out, but at least when what I have given comes back to me I can feel how they felt and understand that what I did was wrong and cruel. I am selfish.
                                                         
                                                                                                                                        -Alexa Z

Frilly and Lacey Sock Collection

     In the past I did a shoe collection video and over time I have acquired many different fun socks. So I thought I would feature a portion of my favorites. My most girly socks I own! Voilà! My socks!

 Forever 21

 Wet Seal

 Jessica Simpson

 

 Cotton On

   Cotton On                                                                                                                                                              

 Urban Outfitters

 Cotton On

 Cotton On

 Cotton On

 Cotton On

 Charlotte Russe

 Wet Seal

                                                                                   -Alexa Z