Pretending Ramble

 It has been addressed forever that what we see on the internet is often not real. Photos of beautiful women are filtered and edited. Something I have noticed is that my peers are becoming just like the Instagram models. They carefully calculate every post they make and try to fit within a theme. I like themes, but I don’t think I live life within a theme. It feels as if they are not a regular person, but instead a product. Additionally, when I see photos of some people I know in real life on Instagram, they look unrecognizable, like a whole other face or person and it disturbs me. Many people are living life for the camera, for example I have noticed someone that never goes without makeup, she wears it to the gym, she wears it to the pool. On camera it looks perfect, but in person all the contour and concealer is aging her in real life. Make up can be fun, it doesn’t look like something who is doing it for fun or self expression. It looks like hiding and I don’t know what she’s hiding, she’s not what I would consider ugly and she seems like someone with clear skin. I feel bad for her, that she cannot be comfortable without the makeup and the heavy filters. When we look back at photos from the past I hope not all will be so altered, because then we would not looking back at reality and instead looking back at what we pretended to be. 

Lifestyle Dream

Here I am about to spill the mess of what is in mind of what I want for my future once I have graduated and have worked a couple years in the field of computer engineering. 

Sometimes I think in the future I will have to be very thrifty and save my money to feed myself and buy toilet paper, but I also like to dream that I will be able to have everything I want. Not extravagantly, but what I think of as minimal while still my idea of the perfect home for someone in their late 20s. I think I would like an apartment or condo not too far from the beach that is maybe a one bedroom with a big closet. (I just wrote that and realized I do crafts and probably need a craft room so lets make it a two bedroom so I can contain my crafts somewhere)I am just one person I do not think I will need much space. I will decorate it with nice clean looking furniture hopefully I bought secondhand and painted. The walls adorn artwork done by either myself or prints from people I adore online. I do not know if the style would be bohemian or vintage, but I would want to feel relaxed walking in it even if my crazy cross-stitch is everywhere. For now that is all I could think of. Having a cute curly haired Persian cat would be amazing, but I do not think I should be taking care of animals yet. Also I have no idea where I would find a cat that does not shed, like "really, Alexa you really are dreaming". I really want to use the money I save to not buy extravagant things and instead use it to travel at a decently young age. As for creating a family I have no clue, I really want to live sort of selfishly for a while until baby fever comes and bites me hard so we will see. I do not want to go into if I will have a long-term boyfriend of husband during because things like that I do not really want to guess that future and put it here. I rather just see what happens. But, yeah I am going to use my dumb blog to make a wish and later in life maybe I will look to this post and see if I worked to make that wish come true. It sounds exciting, it sounds simple yet perfect. I think the simplicity makes it attainable as well.  

Shopping Addict?

 

    After maybe a  month into working my new job at my school's bookstore something about my room has changed. I have a lot of boxes and bags in the corner of my room where the trashcan is. About a foot and a half of boxes, bags, and empty packages have been growing into mountains consistently. And the problem is not my trash, but my online shopping. Getting this new job and not having bills to pay or school books to buy meant that I had a chance to buy things I have always wanted and a lot of it. Apps like Depop, Poshmark,  Mercari and the fact that I always look for a coupon keep me from spending huge amounts, but I am still spending money. Finding gorgeous $10 gently used pieces is something I crave. I am getting not only a deal, but something beautiful. Lately I have been deleting and re-downloading these apps. Part of my excuse is some orders were never shipped and I need to get my money back if I don't get my item. So three more days and hopefully I get two refunds from Depop. Though these issues only made me keep the app and continue to think of things I want and then buy them and waiting for them to come in the mail and then the circle continues of me waiting and shopping while I wait. Yesterday I bought two things and the day before I bought my family Christmas presents as well as an 18 inch pink tree for myself and today I bought from target ornaments to put on the tree. This is kinda nuts or maybe it is just me doing what people do during the holidays. One thing is for sure I am stopping myself from buying clothing. Aside from shoes, because honestly until now I have not bought myself shoes and I just have a collection of boots, which I love. So clothing besides intimates, shoes and really good leggings are my only exceptions. I think I have all my holiday shopping done so now I need to focus on crafts for the rest of my gifts. I want today to be my last day of online shopping with a Black Friday hallpass because hello? It is BLACK FRIDAY. Following that I want it all to end. I need to focus on other things like school, crafting, reading and maybe posting on this blog more often.

update: I bought so much since this message I need to cut off my PayPal or something

Petty Problems: Crap, You Are Still Here

      This is my freshman year of college and it's right before the probable craziness of finals. I go to a state college and honestly it was embarrassing to tell my IB peers I would not be going to a big university out of state or everyone's dream school, University of Florida. The good news is I am a valid IB student because I did get an IB Diploma and no one can take that away. Anyway, going to this small local school means that I am actually surrounded by people I once knew. People I assumed I would never see again, but oh boy I was wrong. And I really thought I was away from them forever. Elementary school, middle school and high school. Ugh! Gross. The good thing is I am not recognized most of the time or at least no one cares to interact. Which is good, I like it that way.

     I work in my school's bookstore so I get to see a large amount of the student body. The worst interaction was seeing my middle school bully again. I forget the bullying I faced in middle school because honestly it was easy to get over. I did not suffer in middle school. Most of it I enjoyed. I was very quiet and reserved when he came in. I cannot be rude, my job is to be hospitable and help customers and students with whatever they need. So I checked him out very quietly and did not make eye contact. He sounded like he lost a lot of brain cells since middle school. And I have not seen him much since. The good thing is I am actually ahead of most of the people from my past so I do not have class with these people. Luckily, it is only two years or so and I am saving a lot of money. Plus for the most part I am just independently getting my work done and I'm making money right now writing this in the bookstore. It's pretty chill.
-Alexa Z

Petty Problems:Breaking Up

I think at a young age I find myself thinking I will never find someone like what I had before. I become wrapped in a person that grew to know and understand me over years. The thought that I have to start all over can be scary. The other person accepted me and grew with me. But, when they are gone it is tough to come to the understanding that I will not find someone just like them again. Of course I have learned what I want out of a person and what I don’t want, but the mystery of who’s next is scary. With that in mind, I find that I am lucky to continue to find someone who follows shortly after the previous and every time I find someone better. So, I think my fear is a tad irrational because I am aware others will come and I will grow to like them as I did the previous person.
-Alexa Z

Losing My Wallet

       Tonight I feel like I lost my whole life. And now I have the just begun the process of rebuilding my wallet. I had just renewed my permit to the house I'm moved to this past spring and I just started a new account with a new bank. All of it was taken away and probably tossed somewhere because I cancelled my cards. Some of which I will have to wait for the weekdays to get new cards for. I feel pretty low. I'm starting to become and adult and something like this woke me up quick. The good thing is that these days I don't really carry cash anymore. I used to carry about $100 or so in my wallet. So the only money lost is the small amount of change I had in there and I guess I'm losing money trying to get everything back. So until maybe the end of this week or the next two weeks I am going to have an empty wallet or a very light wallet. Wish me luck on starting over I need it badly.
-Alexa Z

Adult, but Not Really

      For college I chose to stay home and do my two years at community college before I transfer and pursue my major at another school. Staying home is both really good and kinda not so good. You would think that now that you are 18 and legally an adult you are free to go and see anyone and not have to get your parents approval. Unfortunately that’s not the case for me. I am still under my parent’s house so I have to abide by their rules. Which is not a huge issue until I want to go out and see people. I still need some type of supervision and I hate it. I think it’s natural for me at this age to want to get away and be alone, but it’s just not happening now. It sucks. I also do not have a driver’s license so that makes me even more tied to my family. I hate myself for waiting so long. I’m currently away in Ohio, but when I get home my mission is to get my license. I have to pay insurance, but I really need this freedom.
-Alexa Z

Nudity?

For as long as I can remember I have been a very shy person. I do not like having a lot of attention set on me. Though now that I am 18 I am accepting myself and my body. My family calls themselves shameless in that they are not afraid to let you see them naked. They never made nudity a shameful concept in my house. We did not enter this world clothed and God did not give us clothes to hide ourselves for fear of shame. Since I have a small chest something I can get away with easily is going braless and that was my first step at feeling comfortable with myself. Not many of us see it this way, but bras are purely for fashion. We do not have laws that state all women must wear bras. A personal goal of mine has been that I want to be comfortable in my own skin. If someone I know sees me naked I do not want feel afraid and like I need to hide away in a hole. I want feel like this is natural and it's okay. A youtuber by the name Adina Rivers has inspired me to feel liberated in my own skin. Her channel and Instagram gives off a positive energy and I can not help, but smile when I listen to her. I am a little awkward so getting fully comfortable is tough. 

I think my biggest issue is the sexualization of nudity. Some people equate nudity to sex, but I do not think it has to be that way at all times. The media and sleazy men do not help when sexting and sending nudes of each other is such a concept right now. Photos meant to express sexuality and how a person feels about someone else is turned into a way to blackmail and embarrass someone when a relationship turns sour. It is not respectful to shame someone by sending out their nudes meant for the eyes of a partner. This the reason why I am not a fan of sending nudes to people. Shame often remains.

In my journey of feeling comfortable in my own skin there is something I want to try. Modeling for a figure drawing class. Anyone can be a model for art and I feel that in the art world nudity is seen as normal. Things are very professional and it's not exploitive. An artist commented on why nudes are such an interesting thing to draw in the art world and an artist answered with this. "I often ask myself the same question. I think because there is nothing more sensitive, powerful, and honest than the nude human figure" When we are naked we cannot hide or pretend like we are something that we are not. We are our honest selves and there is something to be learned from that. We should be more transparent and not hide what we feel if it's our true selves. People say that they rarely can be themselves and why not? What are we afraid of? Is it manners? I think we can be ourselves whilst being polite. 

Minimalism is the Way to Go

    It's Black Friday and I attempted to clean out my closet and drawers today. It did not work too well. I love fashion and I love having something for every occasion, but I have looked at my collection and realized it's too much.

   I have more than I need really, but I can't stand to get rid of any of it. The worst collection I have are my t-shirts. So many t-shirts from school, camps, and volunteer activities I have done. Those are so difficult to get rid of. So I just packed half of them away.
 
   A lot of my friends I love vintage anything. I have collected so much stuff that I cannot collect or shop for that stuff anymore. I would have to get a house to hold anymore things. None of my walls are bare. There is always something to look at.

   Sometimes I wish I had a more minimalist style, if I did I would not have spend so much time cleaning and organizing my messy messy room. It's actually disgusting. I wish everything could be plain and relaxing sometimes, not have a ton of detail or ornateness to it. I have never been one to leave a project plain, I always have to pretty it up somehow.
 
   Those minimalists out there are lucky they don't have to live in my eclectic world.
                               

  Alexa Z 

I am Behind

I have always been one of the oldest in my class, but I swear it seems like I am the youngest sometimes

Examples include:

Learned to tie my shoes at age 10

I sucked my thumb until age 7

Slept with a night light every night until maybe middle school

Still have not learned to ride a bike (too scared), but I cheat with a three wheeled bike

Still refuse to teach myself how to properly hold a pencil

Cannot Snap my fingers

Cannot whistle

Spent two years learning recorder, but only managed to get Hot Cross Buns

Cannot cartwheel

Cannot do a push up

Never have had coffee (this one I do not care for, but I feel like I know a lot people who need it to survive)

Have never dissected anything for science class ( if I don't pass out this one will change soon)

Started to learn how to drive at age 17 3 months ago (still learning)

Still waiting on that first kiss (I cannot believe this one. It annoys me more than you know)

Have yet to see the most famous and beloved movies, such as Titanic, The Matrix series, Sound of Music, and the list goes on for a while.

Never been on a College campus tour

Lived in Florida almost all my life, but have never step foot inside Disney's EPCOT


You can see there is a lot I have not done or have taken a lot of time to figure out, but I still feel like even though I am behind I am also ahead in certain skills and understandings(cross-stitch and sewing). For a teenager I think I have lived an interesting life so far even without these things.




                                                                                                                                                    -Alexa Z

Do not Take People for Granted

In the past few years I have wished in many instances that I could press the rewind button. I wish I could fix the mistakes I made in the past.  Not have to go through the pain my mistake caused to myself and those who are unfortunate enough to know my careless side. A side that thinks people will love and care for me no matter how much I hurt them. I now have learned from my mistakes, but I feel I learned too late. It still stings to learn. So all I can do is move on and hope that I have peoples forgiveness. Hope that their view of me is that I am only a human and humans make mistakes. That what I did was a mistake.

  What have I really learned? Be friendly to everyone from start to finish, be honest when someone asks of your emotions, and evaluate your situations( is this really what I want? should I turn down something better even if my current something is flawed, but I think it's what I need?)

When I meet someone new and I experience that first year with them I think things will never change. They will always stay in the same mindset with the same goals. That is false. People change their minds, emotions, and goals everyday.

This writing sounds broad and confusing, but what I am trying to say is value your friends everyday and keep up with how you feel about each other, because maybe one they will find that you were never worth it and drop you just when you finally realized where you went wrong in the relationship. They do not care anymore, they moved on already, you hurt them, and they got away.

Sometimes I care a lot and other times I could care less when I should care more.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot take what I dish out, but at least when what I have given comes back to me I can feel how they felt and understand that what I did was wrong and cruel. I am selfish.
                                                         
                                                                                                                                        -Alexa Z

Frilly and Lacey Sock Collection

     In the past I did a shoe collection video and over time I have acquired many different fun socks. So I thought I would feature a portion of my favorites. My most girly socks I own! Voilà! My socks!

 Forever 21

 Wet Seal

 Jessica Simpson

 

 Cotton On

   Cotton On                                                                                                                                                              

 Urban Outfitters

 Cotton On

 Cotton On

 Cotton On

 Cotton On

 Charlotte Russe

 Wet Seal

                                                                                   -Alexa Z

Speech Class Persuasive Speech: Dating In Middle

Today I am presenting a less serious topic, but still a topic I think is important for young middle school teens. At this age there is a lot of change happening. Moods change, feelings are bouncing all over the place, and you start to see that annoying boy or girl in class a bit differently.  So there is a ton of confusion. The topic is middle school dating and why it is not a good idea.

First point is kids are immature. So at this age they are not ready to go a date. Relationships in middle school are not committed so they will not last. What is to gain? “It’s faux so it’s not real.” Teens dating are supposed to be practice for the future. What are they really learning? Not much they usually only mimic what they see on television. At this age teens usually do not have money or a car to really go out on a date. If they go somewhere their parents are taking them which is extremely romantic.  58% of 12-year-olds owned a cell phone in 2009, and in 2004 it was only 18%. Nowadays a typical way teens “date” each other is texting. Which is so fun and a great way to learn how to socialize and communicate with other people. Just sitting typing words with little smiley faces and hearts.   “They care more about the opinions of their peers than pretty much anything else.” Kids at this age post about everything happening in their small petty lives. This means they will bring their relationships on the internet for everyone to see. And if they are not in a relationship they let us know that they are available and looking for a relationship to be in. Have you ever seen a grown adult do this? How silly is this? They post way too much. They have month anniversaries. If that is a real concept. Adults do not do this. It’s not mature at all.

Second point is consistent dating is a distraction and can get in the way of what is really important at this age. They do not need to be thinking about when or where they are going to take their boyfriend/girlfriend somewhere. They should not have to worry about pleasing someone and making them happy. They already have so much on their plate like homework, studying, hobbies like sports, keeping a relationship with their family and having time for their real friends. Those things are what is really important right now for a 12-14 year old? Correct? Many kids actually hide their relationships from their parents. So what’s the point if they cannot be honest and share this great “love” with other people they love. It must not be that great if it has to be hidden. Kids are spending way too much time thinking of ways to hide their relationships when they could just be together in a group of friends.

Third point. Middle schoolers think they should grow up and act like the adults they are exposed to. What is worse than 16 and pregnant? 13 and pregnant. This is not a common thing, but it does happen usually to kids without real guidance or parents as good role models.  A pediatric study said approximately 11% of respondents were sexually active, and of those, fewer than 30% had unprotected sex at their last sexual encounter. Kids think they need to grow up and do what the adults and the latest pop star does. That can really ruin their child and eventually lead to them living their carefree childhood as a legal adult. Middle school kids should stay kids and wait because they have the whole rest of their lives to date and partake in acts that require someone with a lot more responsibility.

The main point I am getting at is kids should make friends and focus on forming lasting relationships with friends at ages 11-14. They do not need to act like adults yet they can do that much later in life or even high school when they can actually go places because they can drive. Thank for listening I hope you learned a few things from this very “serious” issue

Quotes from my 6th and 7th Grade Journal

 I was an interesting middle school student.

"It would be nice to just have a guy like me."- July 6th 2012

My opinion of One Direction: "I think it's dorkish(not a real word) and is for losers sorry I won't lie."

"Well I got an iPhone 4 pretty cool, but the on the same day I broke my retainer!"- August 5th 2012

"Ugh, school is coming quick got to finish The Hunger Games"- August 5th 2012

"(Insert name here) left to (location) which sucks because he was the only cute guy in 6th grade!"-August 15th 2012

"I convinced myself he was ugly" -August 15th 2012

"I've been punching my computer" - September 3rd 2012

"I know I'm tall, but that's extra points right?"- September 3rd 2012

",but he did think my nails were cool"-October 11th 2012

"Thank goodness it wasn't juice"- October 13th 2012

"My Phone I'm addicted to it"- November 20th 2012

"Eh, I'll hug him again"- November 30th 2012

"Autumn is really getting on my nerves" - December 3rd 2012

"And inhales my arm"- December 8th 2012

"He says that he loves her. "Her" is me. Why?"- April 16th 2013

"Sure he has been inappropriate, but he's a guy so yeah" -April 16th 2013

"Guys are very non-emotional. Remember that" -May 4th 2013

"Girl that looks like a grandma will rule on!" - May 4th 2013

"I sorta got pantsed in the locker room."- May 22nd 2013

"I found out fan girls are very real and crazy"- May 22nd 2013

"Today my mom is trying to kill me with one of my greatest fears. Riding a bike."- June 12th 2013

"I'm in Arizona and the weather is horrid"- June 29th 2013

"It's a bad habit"-August 11th 2013

"Let's hope I get somewhat of a tan"- August 15th 2013

 -Alexa

Journal Entry: May 29th 2015 Fainting From Rat Dissection

   So this was the first time I have ever seen an animal open with all of it's guts and organs displayed. And I suppose it was overwhelming for me and I just was in too much shock. Here's the story my Biology teacher had to demonstrate and explain the procedure of dissecting the white rat. And then after the weekend we would do it ourselves with a partner the next time we have our exam for Biology. For some strange reason I confused rat with mouse, so when she brought out the rat I thought it was so huge. It was already pre-cut and soaked in water with dye on it's organ that looked like blood. Just like my other classmates I stared at it and thought it was gross. After a few minutes of listening and watching the organs get picked at I started feeling really hot and then sweaty. I thought maybe I need to go outside, puke, or get some water. But I only stood there and watched till the near end. Soon I saw white stars from the side of my eyesight. I knew that I was going to probably pass out so I turned to my friend Autumn and told her "I am going to pass out". So I was told I stood there turned toward her for a few seconds till the demonstration ended and everyone left to the front of the classroom. Then I fainted. But I felt like I just decided to lay down for a second to rest or whatever. After that weirdness I shot up realizing I need to get back to class. Once I woke up Autumn and my teacher were taking me outside. So I sat there with my teacher and Autumn while my vision comes back. Autumn got me my water from my back pack and my teacher called the school nurse. The bell rang for 3rd period and all my classmates piled out and Autumn left with them. Then the nurse arrived with the wheelchair. That ride to the nurses office was so embarrassing. I tried to smile at the people I knew but the rest of the time I put my head down. She called my mom and explained what happened. I stayed and rested there all through 3rd period(Art Class) and then left for 4th period because since it's the end of the school so I have to be in my classes to prepare for exams. In 6th period, AP European History I learned what really happened when I fainted. No else but Autumn saw me faint . Apparently I was just standing there as everyone including the teacher left and migrated to the front of the classroom. She told me it really scared her. (I thought it was hilarious that I fainted at school) I got extremely pale, my lips were the white and my face had a yellowish color. Then I started shaking violently then quietly fell down almost hitting my head on the tile ,but luckily Autumn caught me. She had to yell Mrs.________ Alexa fainted! I was out for 10-15 seconds before I shot up and started saying "did I pass out?" "I did not pass out" And then you know the rest. It turns out I had a convulsion which can be a non-epileptic seizure. So yeah I had a seizure in class. It's pretty funny even though Autumn thought I might be seriously hurt or dying.

Hey Can I Try on Your Glasses

So I was listening to a comedian last night and he mentioned how strange it is for someone to ask to try on your glasses. And I thought "that is so true". I wear glasses during all of daylight and few a night hours. They are not clean at all. I try cleaning them ,but it is not any easy process. So what's up with people wanting to try on these dirty things that have been sitting on my face for hours? That's  like asking to try on my retainer. Gross right? Does it just give them a reason to point out how blind I am( I'm sure real blind people wish they had my vision) or do they just want to give themselves a quick headache?

People are weird.

Ending Friendships

Sometimes friends drift away, or break up. When you meet a new friend and become close do you really expect things to end

 and the situation appears normal? No of course not, but it happens and usually you accept it and spend time with other or new friends. Although what happens if one of the friends is not ready to drift apart and say goodbye? Sadness. At least that is what I expierience. Especially since I have no clue if it has ended or not. If it has ,it was cut too short.

Selfies

Selfies. I don't get it. Girls and boys will take meaningless photos of their face or body in front of the mirror. Sometimes it will be the same shot everyday just with different clothes on. There is no story or memory behind these pictures. Except I guess dumb quotes that have nothing to do with the picture. Also do these people print their photos? I have been told by a 6th grader that printing your photos is old school and she just keeps all her photos on her phone. These pictures also seem pretty vain , they are a picture themselves with nothing else to remember except their youth organized into tiny colored pixels. Well I think Selfies are dumb, pointless, and vain. So ready for the fad to pass on.

                                                                                             -Alexa

Dam of Potential "Sweg"

Yesterday I was told that I have a high frequency of potential swag(pronounced Sweg) . Apparently there is a dam over my swag, the Hoover Dam to be exact and I need to break it by punching Herbert Hoover in the face and make him sneeze. French class is fun huh?

Why is the Future Expected to be Better?

A few of my friends have mentioned that when they get older they will be glad they don't look the way they do now. Also the way they look now is a reason not to take pictures till they are drop dead beautiful ,and that they don't want to remember their teenage selves which is very sad. When they say this they mean the way their face looks and the shape of their body. They seem to limit themselves like they can't wear certain everyday things till their body is in the the perfect 20 year old shape and say that they can't make themselves look better till they are out of grade school. I find it strange to just wait for changes to happen instead of working for it in the present so that in the NEAR future you look better. Facially-wise as a teenager you will wish you still looked that way at 80 no matter how pimpled, pale, or strange it was ,so quit wasting your precious time being young and enjoy having the face you have now because who knows if it will get better or maybe worse which ruins your hopes and changes your mind about how you once looked. 
                                              
                                                                                                     -Alexa